Sometimes when I’m talking to my mother I wonder if I should tell her. Maybe I should, maybe I shouldn’t, maybe I should pretend that I don’t even know.

She talks to me about my brother and she says stuff like he took some of his clothes and shoes and bed sheets and towels and she hasn’t seen him in weeks. She says she wonders where he is staying.

I know.

But I didn’t tell her. I haven’t told her. I don’t know if I will/should.

If I tell her then I don’t know how she would react/feel/say. If I don’t tell her, like I am currently doing, then she will be/is worried about him.

If I tell her then my brother would know that I told her cause I am pretty sure I am the only one he has told. I’m afraid that if I do tell our mother about some of the things he tells me that he won’t tell me anything anymore.

I can’t have that.

I know my mother would like to know-wants to know and I feel bad that I don’t tell her anything, especially when she asks me if I know or if I’ve talked to him. I have to lie and say no, and I ask questions sometimes, questions that I know answers to, but ask anyway as to seem like I really don’t know.

I love my brother and I miss him. I do.

I rarely talk to him but if I tell our mother where he lives or what he’s doing that he hasn’t told her then I know that he’ll stop telling me things and then both my mother and I won’t know anything at all.

And at least one of us, someone, has to know.