micomeu:

Spongebob: What do you usually do when i’m gone?

Patrick: Wait for you to come back.

Guess who I saw earlier today? Tiffany. I was walking back to the table when I see Tiffany sitting with Kelly, Anthony, and Josh. I said, “Tiffany?” Sorta out loud. I guess Kelly heard me cause when from the side of my view as I was passing I saw her pointing and saying something to Tiffany. I sat down and look over and she smiles and waves. I smile and wave. I get up to put a dish away and on my way back she turns and talks to me. We talk. It was nice seeing her again. It really was. But I didn’t say bye when I left. I wish I said bye. I didn’t say bye.

Why is everyone so happy? Loving things. And I’m not? I’m so jealous. I was.. I was.. till one, Saturday morning. And I didn’t think much of it cause I wasn’t in the normalest state but sitting on that bench. Waiting for the bus this afternoon. I thought of it. And thought some more. And I realized. And it made me sad. It made me sooo sad. And I’ve been ever since.

Friday afternoon. It was 2:40. We were upstairs in the Commons. A guy was playing the piano. I was sitting on the floor against a pillar. I love it there. Looking out the window. Listening to the music. I loved it. I love that. I was so happy and in a great mood. Loving how things were. What the fuck. 24 hours later and I’m the total opposite. I wanna go back. I’m always happy there.

I don’t ever want to see them again. And I want to cry again. It felt good.
And to be honest. The picture of you being so happy and pretty. Living where I wish I was. With what I want. And how you’re doing so much better now. Made me cry.
Even my nose is crying.

I was kicked out. I can’t believe I was kicked out last night. I’ve never been kicked out before. I feel so not wanted. I wasn’t even drunk. If that’s why. And if it was. Why the hell would you send me out drunk? Fucking Twambo doesn’t even like me. She didn’t even want us there. At one point last night she said, “Karl, I like you right now but put your feet down.” She only likes me when I’m falling off couches and giggling at everything.

Friendsss I’m actually sad right now.. At everything.. Just at everything.

You know what I don’t get sometimes? Is that sometimes I go places and there’s people, they…they act as if they know or seen me somewhere before and I can’t help but feelll… guilty isn’t the right word but it’s the first word that comes to mind. Self conscious a little almost.

Like I remember this one time in the Cheesecake Factory, the server or waiter or whatever they’re called, he…it seemed as if he knew or seen me somewhere before. Just the way he acted and kept looking at me and smile and saying stuff. And this particular…what do you call it? Um, experience? No, event? No? I had it. Sorta. But anyways this um, memory of this taking place is just one that I easily remember. There have been plenty since then. But. Fuck. Where was I…

Well I’ll take a detour in this. Currently, and I love when this happens. It makes me feel special. I’m fuckin weird if you haven’t taken notice yet, but, I’m staring at this man in a suit and he keeps looking back, well, really left, but back, and I obviously have caught his attention. And it’s just funny. Watching how he acts after this has been established. You know? You should try it sometime. If you haven’t or don’t already. Its fun. But I feel kinda bad. Cause then I know I’m distracting him. But whatever. Cause this feeling special goes both ways. Too bad I’m leaving in 30 minutes. I mean, its not like anything is going to happen. We won’t ever see each other again. So it’s fun. I can’t help but laugh and smile. I don’t even have to do anything. Just sit here and stare and smile from laughing. He’s the one that does all the work. A chick has got on though. Now she keeps looking back at me. *sigh* missed connections. Speaking of, hang out at Ellewood Thompson’s if you want a missed connection. So says Grace.

Ha. I’m such a creep. But if anything happens I can always just say, “I wasn’t staring at you…”

Boooringggg. This isn’t fun anymore. Ugh. Now I have to do something.
Hahaha. Omg. I’m noticing at the very least four people looking back at me quite frequently now. I should leave. I’m leaving in 13 minutes anyways.

OK. I better leave before something weird goes down.
This isn’t supposed to go anywhere.

Bye bye boy. Or man. You were fun for the first five minutes.

Today should be good. It has started off well.
To tell you the truth, I signed on to AIM thinking I wasn’t going to talk to anyone. I signed on because I haven’t in a long time. But I ended up talking to three people. So that was nice.

Yesterday evening I saw Caroline. Well, not in person, but in a photo. And this photo, all you can see is her back. Yet I love it. She’s still friends with Lisa, I didn’t know they were still friends. But that’s nice. She looks so happy. And for that reason I decided not to talk to her. Contact her. I don’t want to bring back bad memories. She looks happy and she deserves that. And I’m so happy for her. I really am. I just wish it wasn’t like this. Between us.

But. Like I said. Today should be good. It should be good. It should be good.

Is there a pill? Is there a pill that can…regulate my thoughts? Like. Control it, in a way. So that I can actually focus.

Saw Zach and Twambo. He stopped. Smiled. I smiled. Waved. Then I walked right passed him to grab a plate. Then turned around and saw Twambo. I forget what she said. But as I was grabbing a bun she asked, “Did you see Zach?” I said, “Yeah he’s right over there.” As he was walking away. Then she left. And then I left.

You know what is wrong there? Pretty much everything I did. And I.. Every time I make a mistake. I beat myself up about it. And I hate it. And it’s all that I can think of for the longest time. Even with the smallest things. Its hard enough that I have all this shit racing through my head and I do this. I’m wanting a cigarette right now. Funny. Sha’Tanya gave me a pin. From the ALA. “I Put Out” Cigarette on the top. Seen it?
But the point is, and what I’m getting back to, is that I just waved and walked passed him for a plate? I wasn’t even going to get anything from there to eat. I didn’t even want a burger. But I got one and ate it? Ugh. I regret. But. If I can stop digressing. Like. OK. So. I haven’t really. I haven’t. I haven’t really talked to either of them in three weeks. So I finally see them and what do I do? Uhh. Nothing. Not a “Hey what’s up?” Just a wave and smile? Ha. Fuck. I’m probably giving the impression that I don’t want to hang out with them. Which is the total opposite of what I wanna do.

I don’t know. Ahh. Filler statement there. Course I know. But actually, it’s supposed to be a transition. I’m thinking of starting the weekend early. Since we won’t have class Friday morning and tomorrow morning I just have the Bio exam I’m thinking of skipping IR Friday afternoon. Can’t wait till Friday night. I think jungle juice could be the thing that’ll finally make me throw-up. And I think that’ll make me feel better.

Hold up. There’s a fucking KKK rally downtown Friday? What the fucking fuck??? 4:30-6:30. On 7th and 9th street. I fucking live on 8th!!!!! What the fuuuucccckkkk???????

First we got super conservative Christians in front of the library (he’s still out there. Cops are watching. Still a crowd. Wait. There’s more police than I thought. I think something went down. Like even more.) and then we get this shit?

Oh wait. I was thinking, fuck that. I’m staying over at Zach’s till early morning but then I remembered Hannah’s Halloween costume party is Friday. So I’ll just go over early and of course sleep over there. OK. I’m good.

That guy. Outside right now. Funnny. He said, “Tupac is in hell. He said only God can judge him and he did! And he sent him to hell!” With a stomp to the ground. He also said Biggie Smalls is in hell. That he made hell bigger. It was funny.

Damn. I get out and there’s a huge circle around that guy. The guy is saying something about women and should only cook and clean and iron clothes and shit. Some chick said he has holy water in a jug. The police came. Three of them. Some guys are interviewing some people. This dude. I wish I could stick around. But I gotta go. Controversy. He’s against women, gays, and pretty much everything. Marijuana, premarital sex, cigarettes, masturbation. Ya know, the usual stuff. Everyone yelled the loudest about sex and masturbation. He told some chick she’s dressed as a whore. Entertainment entertainment. Why is everyone taking pictures now? Forming a tighter circle? Too bad I have to go now. Wish I could stick around.

Soooo Funny People was a never ending movie. Wasn’t so funny but I thought it was real. You know what I mean?
Before they showed the movie they did this comedy night sort of thing. It wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. The second guy that went was clever with his poem. It was funny. The second to last guy was funny as well. And the guy before him sang about that hula hoop girl. Funny a bit.
Buutt. There was this guy. Such an annoying asshole. During the moment of silence for the guy who died early this week he was just laughing. And throughout the movie he just kept laughing. Nothing could be going on and his dumbass would be laughing. At the end, he clapped for a good minute or two trying to make that slow clap happen. So fucking dumb. No one liked him. I was hoping after it ended I’d get outside and see him get his ass beat. I’d have watched till he was done getting beat on and leave. Too bad it never happened.

Since I mentioned the guy who died. What do they mean when they say natural causes? What does that mean? Does it mean he just stopped working and died or something? Did he die peacefully? Did he know he was dying? Its just sad. So young. How do you die of natural causes at such a young age? I wonder how the parents reacted.

I can’t focus. I can’t focus. I don’t know how other people do it. I can’t focus. I’d rather look around the room than study. How do people do it? I look around and everyone is doing something. Homework. Studying. Something productive. Me? I can’t. I can’t do it. I’ve been sitting here for the longest time and I can’t do it. I can’t stop thinking now. I was so tired but now I’m not cause I can’t stop thinking. And there’s this guy who keeps looking at me. And I wonder why. But no. No. Cause I think I know why. And I can’t stop shaking my right leg. I need to study. How do they do it? How do people do it? How do you stay focused? How can you focus? What is it? Why can’t I do it? I googled “can’t focus” without the quotations. This is how I can’t sleep sometimes. I can’t stop thinking. And then I want answers. So then I just google everything. And I’m up all night thinking, wondering, searching. And I can’t stop most of the time. I clicked on one of the links. Read the thing with multiple stops. I scrolled down. Too much. Too much information. Can’t read it all. I don’t know why I’m so active now. I need to pee and I wanna get out of here. What the fuck is wrong with me? Why am I just shaking? Why can’t I stop? Fuck me. I think I’m crazy.